14. SAVING THE PLANET

It’s not easy being Green. We are faced with the incontrovertible, inconvenient truth that to save the planet we humans must extinct ourselves. We have over-populated the Earth to the terrible extent that it will soon topple off its axis. Meanwhile we are extincting all the other lovely plants and creatures, which have as much right to live on this planet as we do. More right now, because we do not deserve this beautiful planet after what we have done to ravage it.

We have no right to have children. Our species should simply die out and let the birds and bees and reptiles and other more deserving creatures take over.

Not whales. They are very selfish and take up far too much space in the ocean and crowd the fish. They should be extincted, too.

Not koalas. Despite the sentimental guff about koalas , the truth is that apart from vandalising gum trees, they are pissy, bad-tempered little creatures which sleep for twenty-three hours a day and eat for the remaining one. They are of no use for anything. They are too tough to eat, and even though their coats are water-proof, they are too small. You would have to skin six koalas to get one raincoat.

I could write a long list of creatures that should be extincted to leave room for the worthwhile ones, but Nature will perversely take care of that process once interfering humans are out of the way. Vegans will probably die out, as they eat such a poor diet, eschewing so many of the healthy food groups. Vegetarians will probably weaken as the parched earth leaves them little food, and they will not be able to run fast enough to escape the omnivores and carnivores. Similarly, omnivores will be devoured by carnivores as the meat supply dwindles. I am told that omnivores have a flavour particularly relished by carnivores. Then the carnivores will turn on one another.

All the trees will have died. There will be no jungle but there will remain the law of the jungle – hunter and hunted, the swift against the strong – and the fittest and smartest will survive. My money’s on the foxes. They can run and they can hide, and they can eat smaller carnivores like kittens and puppies.

When the planet cools and the rains come again, there will be a race of foxes to regenerate and populate the Earth. They will evolve into all sorts of other interesting creatures, like marmosets, and eventually, unfortunately, marmosets will spawn another intractable human race.

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